3/19

first day of spring

my normal AM feeling of disgust shit hatred lack of drive lack of desire desire to just die or just throw everything away —
i want to die and get out of here — just get out get away get over it get it over with — but i don’t want to leave the dogs — i can’t get rid of my collections — i want to do something with them the self contradictions — they should kill me but they don’t

the human species disgusts me — how will we get through this virus shit — (have people stopped using the phrase ‘gone viral’
maybe i should just write all my shit out — my hatred and negativity — combine it with photos and some sort of beauty — answer the question — it’s not worth it — but i can only decide for myself —
i say ‘no’ to life —
now i’m worried about having enough dog food —
how much violence will there be

burn off the hatred and negativity
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then what —
i have a headache — is my throat dry — am i going to die soon — what will remain — why should i worry about what happens to the others —
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i start to ‘perk’ (terrible word) up a bit — then the shitty old computer shuts down because of ‘a problem’ —
why — why bother —
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don’t fight the disgust — write it out — what is more repulsive than a photo of a smiling human — the frozen expression of teeth —
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get the skulls out and display them — (? fix the cabinets) —