10/14

early AM rain — the dogs don’t want to go out — everything is wrong — i like rain but the dogs don’t — people with dogs live longer but all of the life & more goes to the dogs — parasites —
impossible for me to get up with joy or happiness — i can’t sleep & i have a hard time staying awake — the computers are off because lightning is in the forecast & i can’t get into art — drawing painting etc — write about not wanting to write — in the dark there’s nothing to look at —
contemplate — i no longer like reading —
solution — get a small art set together so i can get up and do something —sit with pen and ink or something —

how can people be so wrong about everything —
how can we (kim & i) have made so many mistakes
how can kim go on without seeing that everything is wrong
how can people enjoy life —

to want to die & want to live at the same time — simultaneously — living is dying so it doesn’t matter when (cf cioran i read last night — this night — it’s still night) if i suffer or not it doesn’t matter — i don’t want to spend a lot of money dying because kim will need it but she’s the one who wants me to stay alive — maybe wanting someone else to stay alive is the ultimate wrong —
cioran is right (at least about some of us) we need to contemplate suicide — think about it — compare it to other deaths — contrast it with staying alive (going on — one goes on — one continues — what does one (i) continue what do i go on with — to ‘go’ — where (to go can also be to die — — when do i go (to my death — (does one own a death — i say ‘my’ death))
i am always going toward my death — (time and place get confused — one can go forward in time or place — there should be two words for going)

here to there — now to then — now to when — when is now — what is now where is now — how - now