4/27

woke up depressed — spent most of yesterday half-asleep — total depression — the web site look[s/ed] like shit — no info on pictures — images too small — what i wanted to do was wrong —

nice collage from K but i haven’t written to her for months —
i keep wondering if this is the time and way to end all the notebook shit — an entry like this
john cale CDs a disappointment — i don’t know why i bought so many things at once — i’ve been lucky with most recent purchases but not this time
paris 1919 isn’t bad but not something i’ll listen to much — i should make a playlist

adobe and airtable subscriptions are running out soon — is there any reason to keep them

i still can’t get a blog entry finished
i’m not sure if i should give RK or K the web address

depression — dog walk made it worse not better — i can’t stand looking at people — i don’t want to look at my website — i want to do nothing — a collage from K just adds another obligation — a thank you letter — my lifelong sense of not ‘fitting in’ is the strongest it’s ever been — it’s impossible to avoid negativity
should i go on — try to fix the website — make a better page grid — add some context — write another blog entry —

or just give up —

— i’m somewhat satisfied with the journals but think the site needs something else —(but am i capable or willing to do the work — work and/or waste/spend worthless time for more wasted time

to write a scattered text —

medication denied by doctor — i haven’t been doing well anyway — not sure what i should do — i’ve already had two primary care doctors in 2 years — i feel abulia — the helpless feeling —