8/15

yesterday was not a good day — lost interest in everything i have been doing —
thinking there is not enough erotics in our lives —

today may be worse — slept way too much — woke up from one of my cleanup dreams —
one of my displacement dreams — being here and in plattsburgh — my mother and kim changing places — most of these dreams are probably triggered by daily thoughts — kim was naked — she was last night before bed — yesterday i was thinking about dog care and that J never sent me the things he was going to send —

the web site is almost ready or an initial trial and i have no idea how to get it noticed — or what i plan to do with it

still tired after sleeping too much — fatigue — maybe something is physically wrong — or maybe it’s all mental — demented — i have bad short term memory — i completely lose my thoughts at times — i see but don’t relate or respond —

recollection[s]
   collection[s]

everything is a struggle — fight against death against dirt against weight against sleep against life —
all the struggle and nothing changes nothing ever gets better

<11/27/22 fight or flight are not the only options — ond can just give up>

to just stop
tibetan myth — moving from death to rebirth having gained the skills to find the best path — why not seek to end the cycle — it seems that’s what real buddhism is about — extinction — a flameless wick — just sit — no rise no fall — fail and get it over with — get over it — all over - over all — disintegrate —

<grid drawing and notes >