4/19

reading — read topology of a phantom city and the erasers but can’t get into the voyeur — read burroughs first trilogy but couldn’t get into the second — last night started D. Crimp on the museum in ruins (or whatever) — i don’t feel like reading anything — i want to read some french but can’t get up enough ambition to get out the dictionary and my grammar notes

self-loathing — hatred —
making huge mistakes — i don’t know what to do—

this has gone on too long — no way out

there is no wisdom
there is no escape

a feeling of big psychological trouble — my mistakes my things
everything seems absurd and now the absurdity is getting to be totally negative — a feeling that i can’t recover — that i can’t write it out — a desire to destroy but a hesitation when it comes to destroying —
things all over the house — books i’ll never read — boxes of papers — all the magazine pages i should get rid of — i have too much material — what art isn’t available on the internet i don’t need
i garbaged a bag of heavy things — i can’t put too many heavy things into the garbage — get rid of a little at a time — maybe a box of magazine cuttings — then fill the boxes with other objects -
all the questions — like should i bother with all of the papers i’ve collected — the scrap books — i feel like one of the psychopathic writers and collectors — i am one — pathology —
i’m down and nothing looks up — i feel sorry for the dogs having to live with me but i don’t want to leave them —
set a number — get rid of 100 objects a week or something like that — go through the boxes — i have a box of porn — what can i do with that — put the magazines into citra-solve or something like that —

get things out of the storage area — think of something to do with the bins or throw them in the trash