3/17

AM — will i die soon
do i want to —
yesterday — cleaning up leaves after working on fence i thought it’s impossible to live in the suburb and be an artist —
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all the things i dislike —
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i don’t like walking the dogs but i should do that every day that i can while i can —
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infinite sadness — it all sucks and then you die — and it still sucks but you’re not there —
either way — any way — it’s shit
either i live through the death of the dogs or they live through mine —
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the uncertainty of not knowing what will happen to them —
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things — to get rid of them — leave an inventory of what i discarded — ?
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everything is repulsive
— i see no good future — why keep going — i can’t stop & that disgusts me —
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living a life i don’t want to live in a place i don’t want to be —
—— should i write out this negativity — to try to write the most negative book that’s ever been written —

<4/10/20
there is a sort of paradox here (i’m not sure how to express it)>