4/12

terrible anxiety dream last night — woke up worrying about the water heater and water softener — with S and B coming next week — i recall a lot of the dream but don’t feel like writing it down — in new york — ridiculous apartment scene with many strange people — at the end it was time to leave and i couldn’t find my phone and couldn’t remember where the car was — i’m not sure why K was somewhere else but i had no way to contact her — other anxiety things like being naked and realizing there were other people —

i look at the internet and the news is all bad — there will be nothing left soon — so why do i go on doing things —

reading about mitzi — the horrors of life — my death drive gets stronger and stronger — the desire that everything be ended (melancholia) — a final big bang

a morning nap dream — some get together of st john’s students (still young) — i ended up with JS — we talked a bit and were sitting together with our arms around each other — she or someone else had an animal — i’m not sure what it was called but it’s name (species) seems to have been important — it was a small animal — mink like but larger — about 20” long — i was petting it — it was brown but ermine furs came to mind —
feeling of decay & decadence — didn’t do much this morning — dentist today and i don’t want to — continued anxiety — my mind problems are another cause of anxiety —

a little yard work — still feel non productive — avoidance mode — probably till the end of my life — no desire - no drive — always & forever

COLLECTIONS — use the jewelry boxes & other boxes —
? stamps — boxes or bags — what type of box —
? get more pages —

<the jewelry boxes might be the best thing>