10/18

working on 12/98 — not long after arriving in texas — depressing notes
see insert at right

i have a difficult time giving up the idea of making assemblages but i want to get this text out — justifications — hardly anyone will see any visual art that i make — the text can be distributed — the junk i’ve collected can be turned into digital images —

intestinal cramps — brought on by krissy’s — i don’t want to face another dog surgery — death would be better but that’s not an option yet — i don’t know what options we’ll face but i always fear something bad —
suffering — why endure — physical / mental

i’ve been writing in semi dark and not realizing i’ve been writing in blue —
an old man — out of his senses — can’t see well can’t hear well —

i should try to remember my dreams —
scenes from some ‘hotel’ dreams come to mind -- having a key but unable to find the room — corridors that don’t lead to the room listed — walking through a kitchen to find the right hallway — elevators are weird — dreams where they go up and then sideways — into areas that are precarious — old warehouse areas —

dreams of college hallways — stairs and elevators <escalators> — trying to find admissions — several recurrent dreams about an art gallery at a college — plattsburgh in the dreams but totally unlike the real college — looking for RS or DO — art that changes while being looked at