4/27

50 years - it’s hard to be positive being that old - thinking I’ve always been between generations — try to work through something on art as theory and life and just get one <<document>> out - not published but (not completed but) — an awareness of being alive or whatever of life as life - self-awareness self-consciousness - to another level - some feeling of evolutionary superiority which makes me inferior on a day to day level
some bubble before the pot boils

<11/27/17 more than 18 years ago — i’m too worn out to be depressed — just a feeling of something wrong — but what — i’ve lived

a book of why I’m not — anything autobiography
lack of neurosis

but I don’t really do anything either — is it possible to do something now - but to keep working etc - just to prove something - why art is an aside — what place is there or will there be for someone like me - what is left for me to do - what remains for me to do — rip up some Rembrant and flush it — cut pages into sections and wind <?> — some book back on itself in some complex metaphor of any number of things

the notebook (this one of many) begins “toward a new life” - it does not end at a new life - it began in Plattsburgh - there is a lot of writing here - a lot of writing

toward a new writing
toward a new art

do I just shift back - end where I began - start
over again